Gnarology 101

VIEW FROM THE BACK OF THE CAT – by kevin devine

The website for Treasure Mountain Hut, a backcountry cabin outside of Silverton, Co., describes its skiing and riding terrain as “a Disneyland of Gnar;” a recent piece in Powder Magazine was titled “Sculpting Gnarnia;” and our own website for the San Juan Ski Company says we have “opened the gates to Gnarvana.”

 Ya think maybe the gnar is being overworked? Ya think?

No way. In fact, now is the time for a lexicon of gnar – agnarxicon, if you will. If you own skis, a snowboard, or a surfboard and you are under the age of ……well, dead, you don’t need “the gnar” defined for you. So let’s just jump right into it. Gnarology 101 –

Gnarophilia– Unquestioning love of the gnar.

Gnarophile – One who loves the gnar.

Gnarophobia – An irrational fear of the gnar.

Gnarophobe– One who suffers from Gnarophobia. Is Gnarphobic.

Gnargon– A planet many light years away. Those most adept at killing the gnar lines are generally from one of three places. The most adept are (yes, we have to acknowledge it here) extraterrestrials and have visibly supernatural ability in this realm.

Gnargonaut– Extraterrestrials from Gnargon who have come here to shred. Gnargonite- If a Gnargonaut eats sh..(oops, can’t say that here), there is the strong probability that the biff was caused by the presence of Gnargonite, the main element of their home planet. The smallest amount of Gnargonite can put the total spaz on a Gnargonaut.

Gnaristan- On our home planet the sickest shredders hail from Gnaristan and Gnarsylvania. Gnargyle- the hand woven fabric with its distinctive pattern worn as a base layer by Gnaristanis .

Gnargahide– a mythological waterproof and breathable material said to come from Gnarsylvania . (This material does not exist.)

Paragnarmal- Terrain so sick the lines are from another dimension.

Gnarcissism– The not so rare disorder that causes people to become obsessed with seeing themselves shred – in video or still footage.‘ This term can also be used to describe the farming of snow (i.e. keeping regular paying customers off the franchise lines) by a back country ski operation just before an impending photo/video shoot (See ‘shameless self-promotion.’)

Gnargoyle – Someone who can totally shred but is uglier than the little stone decorations atop medieval cathedrals. Even goggles and helmets can not hide the hideous appearance of a gnargoyle.

Gnargoplasty – Results from eating it sick – really sick. This high speed facial alteration is similar to other types of facial alteration e.g. rhinoplasty (i.e. a nose job). Gnargoplasty, however, usually does not do your physiognomy any favors. Unless you are a gnargoyle.

Gnarcolepsy – A neurological condition marked by sudden attacks or seizures brought on by anything gnarly. A gnarcoleptic will yard sale anytime, anywhere just talking about sick lines.

Gnark – Okay, you have been Captain Kirking the backcountry, and you have found some totally uber cool shreddin’. You bring your bro to your secret pow stash, but your bro turns out to be Brosef Stalin and ruins your fun by telling the world about your secret stash. He has gnarked on you. Don’t ever trust a gnark.

And finally and most importantly.

Gnargasm – What is it that draws us to the gnar? It is simple, we are seeking a singularly intense experience. We are seeking to experience a ‘gnargasm.’ This word explains itself, especially if you have ever had a gnargasm. Sometimes a gnargasm is so intense it will cause some poor moron to declaim, “Skiing is better that sex.” Oh well. Dude, less time with The Gnarma Sutra and more time with The Karma Sutra.

So, you want the gnargasm? Call the San Juan Ski Co. – Trust me, it will gnarbulous – yeah, totally epic….I mean gnarpic.

The latest edition of the Gnarma Sutra will be available in time for Valentine’s Day. Ask for it on your next SJSC cat trip.


One thought on “Gnarology 101

  1. You tellin’ me I’m guilty of Gnarcissism!?

    You forgot Gnaropause – the halt of testosterone production with accompanying mental symptoms i.e. Gnarmentia (most commonly found in veteran ski guides)

    Lookin forward to my next sensational Gnargasm!!

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